“My maiden name was Burger and his last name is Berger, so I went one letter from Burger to Berger. It gets better: His brother’s name is Bob and he was our best man. My dad’s name is also Bob, so we had two Bobs, Berger and Burger, at the wedding. Bob, his brother, was married to Linda. My name is also Linda, so we had two Linda Bergers. Everyone was confused.
“Then I go to the Secretary of State to change my name. ‘What’s your maiden name?’ Burger. ‘Now, what’s your married name?’ Berger. ‘No, no, we need your last name.’ I just gave it to you—Burger.”
Me: *puts sombrero on an old person*
Me: Señor citizen
THIS IS MY NEW FAVOURITE LINE
How come Beyoncé wears crystal-studded leotards, 6” heels and fishnets, but she dresses Blue Ivy, her baby, in regular baby clothes? It really makes you think.
How come Beyoncé chooses to drink alcohol but doesn’t have Blue Ivy drink it? Why is Blue Ivy always being carried around? Why is she so short?
So last night I was pretty high and thought lol ima draw a happy lil face in this banana cus why the fuck not
I CAME DOWNSTAIRS THIS MORNING AND NEARLY PISSED MYSELF
the second one? i can buy that somewhat. the first one? breasts are sexual organs.
I SWEAR TO FUCK. NO. NO THEY ARE NOT. BREASTS ARE MEANT TO FEED BABIES. BREASTS ARE NOT MEANT FOR SEXUAL FUCKING PLEASURE. BREASTS SOLE EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE ARE TO FEED THE YOUNG, NOT TO HUMOUR MEN IN BED.
#the literal sole purpose of a boob is wait for it#AN UDDER#IT IS LITERALLY A COW UDDER#AND PEOPLE TOUCH COW UDDERS TO GET MILK ALL THE TIME#IT AINT SEXUAL OR ELSE IT WOULD BE SEEN AS BEASTIALITY TO GET COW MILK#SO PLEASE#SHUT UP ABOUT IT BEIGN A SEXUAL ORGAN
jesse oh my god
seriously, though. this.
OH MY GOD
*black couple living in a haunted house*
wife: the house haunted
husband: we out this bitch